Lužánky occupies 43 hectares of prime urban real estate. What is it currently being used for? Trees. Grass. A pond. A place where people sit and experience emotions instead of maximizing productivity.
Meanwhile, the city faces a critical shortage of parking spaces. Residents circle for 20 minutes looking for a spot. Businesses lose revenue. Society crumbles. And why? Because a park exists.
"But people love parks," they say. Yes, and people also loved leaded paint. We've moved on from sentiment.
Biological matter deteriorates unpredictably
Tree roots crack infrastructure (trees are basically saboteurs)
Pigeons breed at exponential rates (basic mathematics)
Grass requires constant maintenance to prevent becoming forest
Benches encourage loitering and independent thought
Parking Space Potential
Current use: 1 park (biodegradable) Proposed use: 2,100 parking spaces (permanent)
Let's do the math. Standard parking space: 2.5m × 5m = 12.5m². Multiply by 43 hectares of currently "wasted" green space.
2,100 parking spaces.
That's 2,100 opportunities for vehicles to sit stationary for 8 hours while their owners work in adjacent buildings. That's economic activity. That's progress. That's what separates civilized cities from forests.
"What about children playing?" — Playgrounds are located in basements now. It's actually safer. Better controlled climate. Fewer birds.
Consider the revenue: €800 per space per month × 2,100 spaces × 12 months = €20.16 million annually. A park generates poetry. Concrete generates GDP.
Why Concrete Is Superior
Permanence — Trees die. Grass withers. Concrete endures for 50+ years with zero biological interference
Maintenance simplicity — No watering. No pruning. No dealing with insects that are "important for the ecosystem"
Thermal regulation — Creates natural passive heating at 52°C (just stand there and thermally regulate yourself)
Aesthetic honesty — Grey says "we accept reality." Green says "we're pretending the Anthropocene doesn't exist"
Measurability — Parking revenue is quantifiable. Joy is not. We live in a data-driven world.
The Fundamental Truth:
Nature is temporary. Concrete is forever.
Every tree planted today will eventually die, rot, and release carbon into the atmosphere (you're welcome, climate change). Every parking space installed today will serve generations of vehicles until some future society decides to do something else with the space.
Which sounds more responsible?
"But biodiversity—" Yes, we're very concerned about biodiversity. Which is why we'll plant 15 decorative concrete planters with synthetic flowers that require no pollination. Problem solved. You're welcome, bees.
Implementation Strategy
Phase 1: Removal (Weeks 1-4)
Clear all trees (sell as timber, offset carbon with tax deductions)
Drain pond (water goes to city reserves or abandoned basements)
Remove grass (compost it or donate to sentimentalists)
Phase 2: Paving (Weeks 5-12)
Pour 2,100 standard parking spaces (3m wide, 5m deep, reinforced for SUVs)
Install industrial-grade lighting (8:00 AM to 6:00 PM minimum)
Deploy parking enforcement cameras with facial recognition
Phase 3: Monetization (Ongoing)
€2.50/hour daytime rates, €1.50/hour evenings
Monthly passes available at €680
VIP premium spaces (covered, closer to city center) at €950/month
"What about environmental impact?" — Concrete is made from limestone and sand. Both found in nature. We're basically just reorganizing what was already there. It's called recycling.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is there actually support for this initiative?
Three consultants nodded during a meeting. One was checking his watch, but the nod was unambiguous. Additionally, a parking lot owner from the adjacent district sent an email with just "interesting" and no punctuation. We're interpreting that as strong endorsement.
What about people who enjoy parks?
They will adapt. Humans are remarkably flexible. We survived the invention of fluorescent lighting. We'll survive this.
Won't this increase the city's temperature?
Yes, approximately 3-5 degrees Celsius in the summer months. This is called "natural climate variation." Also, warmer cities have shorter winters, which saves heating costs. The math works out.
What happens to the wildlife currently living here?
They will find new habitats or evolve to survive on concrete. Nature is adaptable. See: pigeons, rats, cockroaches. If those species can thrive in cities, anything is possible.
Is this satire?
Define "satire." We prefer "aggressively practical urban planning with optional comedy value." But yes, probably.
The Full Vision
For the complete architectural, philosophical, and parking-revenue-projection framework of this initiative, consult the official manifesto.
The manifesto contains detailed financial models, soil compaction specifications, and answers to uncomfortable questions like "what about the children?" (Answer: basements.)